A couple of months back I wrote a blog entry about conflict (Conflict: The First Step. Move toward, not away) and the importance of avoiding “fight or flight” and learning “to walk into conflict.” A reader sent me a question regarding the importance of frame of reference when attempting to de-escalate conflict. Part of my response was:
“…It is always about frame of reference. Through whose eyes are you looking? If I only look through my eyes, my frame of reference, there is no question – “I’m right!” And that would be true since it is the only information I have. It is also the surest way to be consumed by conflict…use only your own frame of reference and simply deny that anyone else’s frame of reference is valid …”
I want to expand my thoughts about the power of frame of reference and how it reveals character, depth and strength (and unconditional love in this case) by sharing a story about a father’s love in the face of the greatest tragedy – the loss of a child.
A few weeks ago a sad tragic accident took the life of an 11 year old girl here in the Northwest. Her father’s response reveals the power of frame of reference. The choice made by John Tam, and the frame of reference he used when interviewed after the loss of his little girl, Grace, will not reduce the sadness nor eliminate the pain….but a different reality created by his choice will carry Grace Tam’s memory forward and allow her family to begin the arduous journey of life without her.
The Northwest is absolutely beautiful country with mountains, trees, high meadows and glorious vistas. On July 31, 2010, John Tam and his family and friends hiked up into the mountains just a little North of Seattle to visit the ice caves that are formed from snow melt that runs down the mountain. While standing in front of the caves for a group picture, a large chunk of ice “the size of a Volkswagen bus” broke loose above the party and rolled over Grace. Fellow hikers (including three nurses), a ranger and rescue personnel worked vainly to save her.
I remember the sadness and grief I felt for the family when I heard about it on the evening news. Then I read an article about the incident (see Seattle Times, Aug 4. “Dad mourns ‘Pride and Joy’) and I was struck by the inner strength and deep love in the frame of reference Mr. Tam took. He easily could have taken the pathway of anger, blame or remorse. He did not. When talking about his daughter, he chose a higher pathway, a positive frame of reference: “…She is our pride and joy, a most thoughtful child. But we do not want to have a memorial service. We want to celebrate her joyful moments and the happy life she had.” Clearly a prayer or moment of silent support for the family of Grace Tam is in order.
Mr. Tam’s perspective, how he chose to frame this terrible loss, is absolutely inspiring and hopefully will bring the comforting gift of peace very quickly to his family. From one father to another father…I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for the role model of how to control your thinking in the face of undeniable sadness and may you begin the healing process warmed by the happy memories of Grace, your “Pride and Joy.”
Hi Tom,
Thanks for the crucial reminder about the power of choice.
Best to you and all our friends at TEI
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I can think of no greater loss than of losing a child. To choose a positive approach to this tragedy shows amazing strength and courage.
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This story reminds me of the many people who, in the face of terrible tragedy and loss, especially those that were preventable, choose to forgive perpetrators and/or the carelessness of folks who cause their intense pain. Instead of carrying anger, disgust, and blame, they choose to look with grateful eyes at the bigger picture. Choosing a frame of reference outside of ourselves allows for growth, and for the restoration of joy. Thanks for reminding us of this, Tom.
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